Mr. Chinchilla's Fantasy Football Playoff Breakdown

I can't believe it.

I can't. Frickin. Believe it.

After twelve weeks of NFL football, it's come down to this afternoon's game. I thought that my team had another couple weeks to catch up to a .500 record. But this is actually the final week for Yahoo! fantasy football teams. And as awesome as Mr. C's team is--can you say THOMAS JONES?!?--it may not be enough.

As it stands, the chinchilla's team has a 5-7 record. The first three losses came courtesy of Tom "My Injury Totally Fucked This Season" Brady. Lemme tell ya, I was about to throw in the towel after that, but being a chinchilla teaches you many lessons, the first of which is always check the carrot for tiny bite marks," and the second of which is "never give up." And I didn't give up. I traded Maurice Jones-Drew for Kurt "Yes, Baby, I Can Save The Chinchilla's Season" Warner. Slowly, but surely, my team scrapped back to a .500 record.

Then we ran into trouble. If it wasn't a bye week keeping Steve Slaton from scoring for my team, then it was another team finding the good fortune to have a defense score more than its QB. Yes, that's right, I faced that team with the Baltimore defense when McNabb was pulled from the game. Talk about painful. Ever had a team score triple digits on ya?

And then there was the bonehead move to end all bonehead moves that might have just ended my season a couple weeks ago. I forgot to check the notes before the game and started John Carney as my team's kicker. It's not like the chinchilla's devoted his life to this game, and, really, I shouldn't have to consult my roster five minutes before kickoff to see if I need to bench my 45-year-old kicker. But I didn't check, he didn't play, and the difference proved crucial. Had I started Matt Prater as my kicker, my team wins that game and I'm in the playoffs.

BUT. . . close only counts in handgrenades and using urinals in the high school bathroom. And like I said, it's down to this week.

To make playoffs, my team has to (1) win and (2) hope that one and/or both of two teams ranked higher lose.

Did I mention that my team's facing a team calling itself "raw meat." It's a pretty good team, too. Yet, incredibly, if I've totaled the points right, I think my team's going to win this week. (Can we all say "THOMAS JONES?" I tell ya, I just can't give myself enough props for that draft pick. I think I'll say it again: THOMAS FRICKIN JONES!!!!)

Ok. That leaves number 2. And from the looks of it, it's going to be close. But, really, if I have to rely on the performance of another team, the chinch is going to kick himself.

I hate you, John Carney.

Mr. Chinchilla's Special Thanksgiving

I spent Thanksgiving in Cleveland, Ohio. That's where my chinchillamobile conked out on me during the chinchilla's spur-of-the-moment road trip.

The mechanic who repaired my car asked me what my plans were:

"So, chinchilla, what are you going to do about Thanksgiving?"

"I dunno," I said. "You got any turducken around here?"

"Sorry. Everything's closed. But I got a case of Bud and some cold pizza."

"Hey, thanks!" I couldn't believe my luck!

"What do you mean 'thanks'? I ain't sharing with you. Now get the fuck outta here!"

I always knew Cleveland sucks.

You Don't Need A Chinchilla To Know Which Way The Wind Blows

I'm trying to find out the weather for my trip to Dallas next March. I have a big date there with a very special turkey, and assuming she survives this month's onslaught more commonly know as Thanksgiving, I need to be prepared. Ya know what I mean?

So I'm searching for news and and find this--Dallas, Texas Weather in March--and I'm like "HOLEY MOLEY! It's a blog that's totally devoted to telling us what the weather is going to be like in Dallas next March! Perfect!" But then I start reading this site's entries and it's got nothing at all to do with predicting next March's or really any month's weather anywhere. In fact, I had quite a bit of trouble understanding what the site was about and I was totally sober, too.

I'm gonna start my Thanksgiving drinking binge early, so here's a little story that always makes me smile that I'll share with you until next time.

Mr. Chinchilla's Fantasy Football Rules

Hey, kids! Getting ready for turkey day, are ya? Yeah, well so is the chinchilla, and what better way to warm up for the big day than by sitting in a beanbag chair watching football all afternoon.

Ok. Time for some rules. Let's rock:

1. Everyone last one of you should have Tom Brady off your active roster. If you don't know this by now, then all I can say is that you are one clueless *************--where the thirteen asterisks represent a frequently used word in Pulp Fiction.

2. Pick up Steve Slaton NOW if he's still available in your league. And if you picked him up on draft day, call up every one of your friends who laughed at you back then and scream into the receiver: WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, BIG GUY?!?!!!! (Note: This works well after several shots of tequila with raisins.)

3. This is not a good year for WRs. Everybody wants Boldin or Moss, but you can find some decent WRs that some chumps may be willing to trade. The chinchilla likes Kevin Walter.

4. Make sure to check the news wire before kickoff. If a player gets scratched, it could mean the difference between making the playoffs or whining about how John Carney screwed up your whole season.

5. Keep everything in perspective. Remember that I am a chinchilla and that you can't rely on the words from some stranger on the internet.

6. Brett Favre is overrated, Kurt Warner is underrated and the weekly points from the TE position are a complete crap shoot.

7. Field goal kickers are highly important. You just don't know when. So, if it's possible, the chinchilla recommends that you obtain a time machine or time travel device and learn the results of the games so you'll know which one of your kickers to start.

8. If you have a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband or significant other, spend some quality time with her/him/it. Football is just a 60-minute game. Life last longer and has no timeouts.

Mr. Chinchilla Congratulates President Barack Obama

At times like these, can the chinchilla say how frickin' proud he is to be an American?

Now as soon as I get rid of this hangover, I need to scrape up some serious loot to pay off that bad bet I made a couple months ago. . . .

Mr. Chinchilla's Big Endorsement

Ya know, maybe it's me, but it sure seems that more than a few folks are tacitly endorsing Governor Manchin for re-election. None of them will come right out and say that they're voting for him, of course, but then they're not leveling the criticisms against him, either. And that's a shame. A damn shame.

Of course, Mr. Chinchilla isn't ashamed to admit that he's voting for Governor Manchin. Anyone who spends millions on HD tee-vee sets and does what he pleases has definitely earned this chinchilla's vote.