Mr. Chinchilla Gets To Work

Today was my first day on the job as a greeter at a famous retailer. When I was hired--and that's another looong story that I don't have time for now--they gave me a ginormous employee manual. It was so big that I couldn't carry it, so I asked Owen to give me a hand. I tell ya, I have never seen so many rules! I didn't have time to read it all, but based on what I perused, there seem to be two main operative principles at work here:

1) The customer is always right; and

2) We can fire you at any time, chinchilla.

Now I know what you're thinking: How can a chinchilla with anger management issues possibly expect to last as a greeter at a famous retailing outlet? Well, the short answer is, I don't expect to last; in fact, I only lasted about three minutes. Turns out that quite a few of the customers thought I represented an pest problem and it really them off from buying the plastics.

"Hey, lady," I said to the screaming woman wearing the Doors t-shirt, "I'm workin' heah! Don't worry!"

But she kept screaming and set off a pretty bad panic. It didn't take too long for the store manager to have "The Talk" with me:

"Look, here, chinchilla," he says as he points his finger directly into my little chinchilla chest. (Oooh, how I hate it when someone does that!). "We can't have our employees scaring the customers."

"I didn't do anything," I protest, "Really. I did exactly what the manual said. . . ."

"I'm sorry," continues manager man, "But I think this was a very bad idea. We just can't continue your employment here."

"C'mon," I plead, "I need this job. I put everything I had into Wachovia stock. I'll do anything. Anything. I'll stock shelves. I'll clean bathrooms. I'll even clean vomit off the floors. PUH-LEASEE!!"

Manager man gives me the classic this-chinchilla-is-crazier-than-hell look. He stares at me.

"PLEASE!"

"No."

"Can I still have my employee discount then?" (Hey, it was worth a shot, right?)

"No. I'll need your uniform, too."

Crap, I thought, because I was planning on using it as my Halloween costume.

As I left the store, I made sure to scare some more customers so that I could snag several packages of raisins as I made my exit.

Mr. Chinchilla's Mixed Nuts

Heya, kids! The chinchilla just hasn't been too keen on blogging lately. I dunno what it is. It could be all the Sarah Palin coverage. Or it could be all the coverage of Tina Fey covering Sarah Palin.

I should probably be happy. I mean, all the banks that were holding my credit have failed, so there's nobody bothering me about paying off my HD tee-vee set. I guess there's a silver lining to this credit crisis for us chinchillas, huh?

So I checked out this fall's tee-vee schedule. It sucks. As usual. I dig that Life on Mars thing even if it's just Timecop meets Lost. Man, is Gretchen Mol smokin' or what? (Lemme know in the comments whatcha think, k?) But everything else reminds me of giant pile of turds. Whose bright idea was it to bring back Beverly Hills 90210?!? What are there....about 200 episodes of the original? The chinchilla's wasted God knows how many hours of his little chinchilla life watching that vast wasteland the first time, and now I'm supposed to invest more of my time fawning over a Jennie Garth? Well, fuck that shit!

Ok. I need to get back and finish my fan letter to Zac Efron.

Mr. Chinchilla Loves Nick Nolte

So the chinchilla thinks this really sucks.

Let's hope this doesn't leave the Noltester "down and out in Beverly Hills" for long.